Rock Bottom

This week in my Book of Mormon class I watched a video called, "Look Into the Light". The people in the video are telling their stories of when they hit rock bottom. But more importantly, how they were able to rise above because of the love that Heavenly Father has for them. The following is my rock bottom story. This was posted on September 10, 2014.

This past weekend was our semi-annual Stake Conference. Saturday was interesting. I was invited by the Stake Secretary to offer the invocation for the Priesthood Leadership Session. Well, I ended up getting called into work a couple of hours before hand. So needless to say I missed giving the prayer...by five minutes. Thankfully I was asked to give the closing, so all was not lost.

Sunday was not as good. The way I view Stake Conference and General Conference is different. With General Conference you essentially have it on a DVR. The talks are available almost immediately for your viewing and listening pleasure. Whereas Stake Conference is like a live television broadcast. Once it's done, it's gone. The only record of it is in the notes that you take. That's where it started.

Since making the switch to being all digital for scripture study, note taking etc., I decided to use my tablet with my Bluetooth keyboard to quickly take notes, which was working just fine. That is until Allyson started to get restless as most kids her age do when sitting in one place for too long. But you couldn't tell me this at the time. It frustrated me that I wasn't able to take the notes that I wanted to because Ally was constantly climbing up and down off of my lap, or needing to go to the restroom.

So I decided to put away the tablet and take notes using my phone. Not as efficient as a full keyboard but it would do in a pinch, or so I thought. The format of the document I was already using form the cloud wasn't showing up the way I would've liked it to, so it made keeping track of the notes very difficult. Then I decided to put pen to paper and take notes this way. But alas, I needed both hands for this, making it impossible while taking care of Ally.

My final option was to simply record the audio of the conference to refer back to later. So I attempted to download a recording app only to find that the wireless internet was down making it impossible to do on both my phone and tablet. At this point I was out of ideas, and conference. By the time I threw my hands in the air and decided to just listen and try to remember what was said, stake conference was over. The last hymn was sung, the benediction was given, and I had nothing but frustration and anger in my heart were the warm feeling of the spirit should've been.

Noticing that I should not be feeling this way, I made an attempt to pray as I rode home with my family. When we got home, just when I thought that I might be getting better, Ally was almost attacked twice by two different dogs that had gotten off of their leashes and ran from their owner who lived in the same complex as us. I SAW RED!!! This was the final straw in a day that was not going well for me to begin with. I charged after the owner of the dogs like he had just insulted my mother and I was ready to go to jail on assault charges for putting my wife and unborn child, and my baby girl in danger. But as I charged him, I felt a prompting to stop where I was. I walked back to my car and just stood there. Karen took Ally in the house to console her the way only a mother knows how. As I was standing there, my mother-in-law who had brought us home from conference said, "You know that's just the Adversary trying to attack the spirit you just felt at conference." I responded by telling her that "...because of all that had taken place at conference, I never got to feel the spirit."

After my mother-in-law left and I went into our apartment, I saw Karen and Ally sitting together watching one of a few Disney shows that Ally loves. By now she was calm and enjoying her time with her mommy. I sat at the dinning room table watching them. As I was watching them, I reflected on the events that had just transpired and realized the decision I had made concerning going to jail. I began to cry. I had so much anger in my heart that I was willing to leave my family to fend for themselves to satisfy my own selfish need to "teach someone a lesson". when the only one that needed to be taught a lesson was me.

I sprang from the table and went into my room. I knelt down beside my bed and gave up an honest, fervent, and painful prayer to my Heavenly Father. As I was telling Him of the anger I was feeling I could hear the thunder rolling outside my window. It seemed to coincide with every time I felt another feeling of anger spring up during my prayer. I asked, no I begged for God to take this anger from me. I had no use for it. Instead of partaking of the word from conference, and enjoying the time with my daughter, I was wrapped up in my own selfish needs. Instead of seeing an accident that was made in the dogs being loose, I condemned the owner to physical punishment. As I begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father, I could physically feel the weight being lifted from me. I could feel the anger and resentment fading away. And as this was happening, I could hear the thundering outside fade as well.

At the end of my prayer, my mind and spirit felt as if a terrible storm had moved on leaving the air clearer and the sun shinning brighter. I returned to the living room to have Ally climb into my lap and give me a big hug saying, "I love you Daddy". I felt truly blessed.

I have learned not to let the selfish needs of this world take charge of you. I have started to see the joy in things both good and bad. Most importantly, I have witnessed first had the love that Heavenly Father has for me.

Eternal Debt

The following quote comes from Elder Joseph B Wirthlin in a talk called “Earthly Debts, Heavenly Debts”

“How can we ever pay the debt that we owe to the Savior? He paid a debt He did not owe, to free us from a debt we cannot pay. Because of Him we will live forever. Because of His infinite atonement, our sins can be swept away allowing us to experience the greatest of all the gifts of God, eternal life. Can such a gift have a price? Can we ever make compensation for such a gift? The Book of Mormon prophet King Benjamin taught if you should tender all the thanks and praise which you whole soul has power to posses and serve with with all your whole souls yet you would be unprofitable servants.”

This hit me very hard. For over a year now, I have been working diligently to clean up my credit from a lot of bad mistakes and defaulted promises on my part in an effort to secure a loan to buy a house. Careful calculations needed to be made and budgets needed to be set in order to make this work. No more unwise choices concerning our finances. No more buying on credit never to pay it back. It was time that I wised up and handled my responsibilities.

The same is said for the debt I owe to my Savior Jesus Christ. I am well aware that He paid my debt to Heavenly Father through the atonement, I personally feel that I am now in debt to Him in the best way possible. I feel that when I am doing what is right and pure, I’m am chipping away at this debt. By becoming a better disciple of Christ I am making sure that Him paying my debt was and is not in vain. I know that I can never payback even a small percentage of what Christ has paid for me, but I do it in an effort to show my appreciation for the blessing He has been in my life.

Feast and Famine

What do you think of when you read feast and famine? Farming, crops, employment, finances?

When I write about feast and famine today, I’m not speaking of physical nourishment, or agriculture. I am however speaking about the soul as it relates to reading our scriptures.

We are told that we should “feast on the words of Christ”. When I think of feasting I immediately think of myself at a buffet making the owner think about taking the sign down. Likewise, we should be taking the lessons and stories inside the scriptures into our spiritual bellies.

I have seen so many blessings by reading the scriptures. First of all, reading the scriptures is what help in my conversion to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Being able to read from the Book of Mormon and compare it to what I know of the Holy Bible was a great experience. Knowing that the Savior came to the Americas to further spread His gospel is nothing short of a miracle. The scriptures have helped me find purpose in my life. Because of this I know that I once lived with Heavenly Father. I know that I have a purpose in this life. I know that If I live a good life and hold true to God’s commandment then I will be able to return to Him. These truths give me joy and I’m thankful for the gospel.

Unfortunately though, when talking about feasting, there is also the famine. The famine is when there is no food, or sustenance. There are times when I don’t get the spiritual nourishment that I need. This comes as a result of not reading my scriptures as often as I should. Similar to when I don’t get the opportunity to take sacrament, I feel like there is a void. I know that if we don’t eat then our bodies will begin to shut down because we need that nourishment. The same is true for our spiritual bodies. We need to make sure that it gets the spiritual food it needs in order to stay healthy. If not, our spirit will starve.

I what to leave you with my testimony that I know the gospel is true and that this is the true church of Christ on the earth today. I hope that you will study the scriptures often and be blessed for it.

The Choices We Make Today, Define Our Tomorrows

Choices are not to be made lightly. I say this rather tongue-in-cheek. I have learned in my life that every choice has a consequence. When most people hear this, they immediately think this is bad. Not true. Consequences are the the after effects. While the are bad consequences, there are also good ones. It is up to us though to make sure that we assess our situations before turning to Heavenly Father to help us make said decisions. 

There have been times in my life where I have received a clear cut answer to a question. Then there was last year. My wife and I found out rather quickly that we were getting evicted from a house that we were renting to own. My wife and I struggled to make that payments every month and knew that something needed to change. The owner decided to put the house back on the market and that only left my family and I a couple of weeks to find another place to live. I prayed to Heavenly Father to soften the heart of the owner of the house to let us stay there. I didn't feel like I had gotten the answer I want, yet I followed His council. Heavenly Father told me that we needed to move, so move we did.

Looking back, it was one of the best decision we could have made. While we went from a 3 bed 2.5 bath house to a 2 bed 1 bath apartment, we have truly been blessed. We have been able to use the extra money we saved on rent costs and clean up our credit. I told my wife to give me two years and we would be able to buy a house and not have to rent. Because of our decision to move last year, we should be able to get a house to call our own in a few months. It is no secret what God can do as long as we decide to listen.

A Better Disciple of Christ

In my learning this week I picked up some very good insight into being a better disciple of Christ as the title of this post suggests. I’ve know for a while that there are some changes that I need to make concerning this. Thankfully in my Book of Mormon class I have found a way to become more accountable for my language. But this just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

While reading the Book of Mormon this week I’ve learned a few things. I pray that I can have the faith, understanding, and courage that Nephi had. He never questioned anything that he was charged to do concerning the Lord or his family. I hope I will someday have unwavering faith to do only what is right.

Another quality that I recognized while reading the scriptures this week, was how in spite of all the afflictions that Nephi was enduring during while tied up on the ship to the promise land, he was still in an attitude of praising Heavenly Father. During this time he was tied up by his brothers and left for dead. For many days the ship they were on was being tossed about because of the large storm that had formed after Nephi was tied up. The Liahona, the “spiritual compass” would no longer lead them in the right direction because it worked off of the faith and actions of the people on board.

At one point Nephi fears that everyone on board will be destroyed because of the storm. By nothing short of a miracle, Nephi’s brothers Laman and Lemuel are convinced that what they were doing was wrong. After this, they untied Nephi. Now, at this point I would be reaching for something to hit my brothers for what they had done to me. Please keep in mind that I’m a convert. I was expecting Nephi to be furious. But I was surprisingly and thankfully proven wrong. When Nephi was set free, the first thing he did was to get the Liahona back in working condition and steered the course to the promised land.

Nephi didn't let his anger get the best of him because he knew that it wouldn't serve anybody. Not even his own natural desires. I commend him for this. I too wish to be slow to anger and quick to praise Heavenly Father, in during my trials. For I know that it is through my trials that I’m allowed to grow.

Clean Language

In my second week of the Pathway program, there were many lessons that I went over in my Book of Mormon class. There was one in particular that I didn't plan to learn or even talk about, but did as a result of an ongoing exercise that will last for the duration of the semester. There is an exercise called the Becoming Project. It’s designed to help the students figure out what Christ-like attributes they would like to adopt. For me I decided to become more worthy of the priesthood that I have.

The main pitfall that I have in this endeavor is my choice of language. I am working on not using profanity anymore. In doing this I have done some studying of the scriptures and found a few verses that I like. In Alma 12:14 of the Book of Mormon we learn that our words will condemn us. Similarly I learned in Mosiah 4:30 that anyone who doesn't “...watch [them]selves, and your thoughts, and your words...must perish.”

I find that the main reason I use profanity is when I’m frustrated. These ill feelings towards people and circumstances trouble me so much that I am willing to push away the Holy Spirit for the sake of cursing. I know that I need to re-evaluate the way I look at the world and begin to find the positive things in life as to not let my emotions get the best of me. I think that Elder Holland put it best when he said, “There are negative things to face...but no misfortune is so bad that whining about it won’t make it worse.” He goes on to say that Paul wrote, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but [only] that which is good [and] edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” This was very powerful to me. It helped me to understand that every word has a meaning any we should choose to use the ones that will allow us to keep the Holy Spirit with us and be in good favor with Heavenly Father.

I can only hope that I continue to develop these good habits and keep my mind centered on wholesome things.