Rock Bottom

This week in my Book of Mormon class I watched a video called, "Look Into the Light". The people in the video are telling their stories of when they hit rock bottom. But more importantly, how they were able to rise above because of the love that Heavenly Father has for them. The following is my rock bottom story. This was posted on September 10, 2014.

This past weekend was our semi-annual Stake Conference. Saturday was interesting. I was invited by the Stake Secretary to offer the invocation for the Priesthood Leadership Session. Well, I ended up getting called into work a couple of hours before hand. So needless to say I missed giving the prayer...by five minutes. Thankfully I was asked to give the closing, so all was not lost.

Sunday was not as good. The way I view Stake Conference and General Conference is different. With General Conference you essentially have it on a DVR. The talks are available almost immediately for your viewing and listening pleasure. Whereas Stake Conference is like a live television broadcast. Once it's done, it's gone. The only record of it is in the notes that you take. That's where it started.

Since making the switch to being all digital for scripture study, note taking etc., I decided to use my tablet with my Bluetooth keyboard to quickly take notes, which was working just fine. That is until Allyson started to get restless as most kids her age do when sitting in one place for too long. But you couldn't tell me this at the time. It frustrated me that I wasn't able to take the notes that I wanted to because Ally was constantly climbing up and down off of my lap, or needing to go to the restroom.

So I decided to put away the tablet and take notes using my phone. Not as efficient as a full keyboard but it would do in a pinch, or so I thought. The format of the document I was already using form the cloud wasn't showing up the way I would've liked it to, so it made keeping track of the notes very difficult. Then I decided to put pen to paper and take notes this way. But alas, I needed both hands for this, making it impossible while taking care of Ally.

My final option was to simply record the audio of the conference to refer back to later. So I attempted to download a recording app only to find that the wireless internet was down making it impossible to do on both my phone and tablet. At this point I was out of ideas, and conference. By the time I threw my hands in the air and decided to just listen and try to remember what was said, stake conference was over. The last hymn was sung, the benediction was given, and I had nothing but frustration and anger in my heart were the warm feeling of the spirit should've been.

Noticing that I should not be feeling this way, I made an attempt to pray as I rode home with my family. When we got home, just when I thought that I might be getting better, Ally was almost attacked twice by two different dogs that had gotten off of their leashes and ran from their owner who lived in the same complex as us. I SAW RED!!! This was the final straw in a day that was not going well for me to begin with. I charged after the owner of the dogs like he had just insulted my mother and I was ready to go to jail on assault charges for putting my wife and unborn child, and my baby girl in danger. But as I charged him, I felt a prompting to stop where I was. I walked back to my car and just stood there. Karen took Ally in the house to console her the way only a mother knows how. As I was standing there, my mother-in-law who had brought us home from conference said, "You know that's just the Adversary trying to attack the spirit you just felt at conference." I responded by telling her that "...because of all that had taken place at conference, I never got to feel the spirit."

After my mother-in-law left and I went into our apartment, I saw Karen and Ally sitting together watching one of a few Disney shows that Ally loves. By now she was calm and enjoying her time with her mommy. I sat at the dinning room table watching them. As I was watching them, I reflected on the events that had just transpired and realized the decision I had made concerning going to jail. I began to cry. I had so much anger in my heart that I was willing to leave my family to fend for themselves to satisfy my own selfish need to "teach someone a lesson". when the only one that needed to be taught a lesson was me.

I sprang from the table and went into my room. I knelt down beside my bed and gave up an honest, fervent, and painful prayer to my Heavenly Father. As I was telling Him of the anger I was feeling I could hear the thunder rolling outside my window. It seemed to coincide with every time I felt another feeling of anger spring up during my prayer. I asked, no I begged for God to take this anger from me. I had no use for it. Instead of partaking of the word from conference, and enjoying the time with my daughter, I was wrapped up in my own selfish needs. Instead of seeing an accident that was made in the dogs being loose, I condemned the owner to physical punishment. As I begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father, I could physically feel the weight being lifted from me. I could feel the anger and resentment fading away. And as this was happening, I could hear the thundering outside fade as well.

At the end of my prayer, my mind and spirit felt as if a terrible storm had moved on leaving the air clearer and the sun shinning brighter. I returned to the living room to have Ally climb into my lap and give me a big hug saying, "I love you Daddy". I felt truly blessed.

I have learned not to let the selfish needs of this world take charge of you. I have started to see the joy in things both good and bad. Most importantly, I have witnessed first had the love that Heavenly Father has for me.